I feel as if a sliver of my soul has been removed. As if the world just says, "well, you don't need this part anymore, Toni, you'll be just fine without it." Well, I'm not.
Going back into class was hard today. I hadn't even gotten my coat off before I broke down, realizing this little person wouldnt be back. I glanced over and saw her cubby, and then there was her name on the table, on the wall. What about art work? How long will it take before I run across pictures, drawings?
I sent out a letter today to parents. They sent me 14 copies. I no longer have 14 kids on my roll, but someone, somewhere forgot, just like I'd like to forget. How do you say goodbye to someone who wasnt suppose to leave you just yet? My class runs from August to August, not August to November. Didnt you get the memo, Lord, didnt you hear?! It's was only 3 months! We had such big plans!! We had so much to work on, so much to get done. There's grandparents day next week, the holiday program, and graduation. We were to have other parent/teacher conferences where we could laugh and talk about her wonderful progress. What do we do now, Lord?
I spent last night talking in my sleep, waking up to hear myself repeat over and over that she was gone. It was as if I truly had to convince myself. The kids are good, though. They helped to keep my focus off my pain, off the idea of never again. I just dont know if it'll heal, these little pieces just never seem to heal.