Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Sometimes It's Just Hard

I've spent these past two days daydreaming of where I'll put the furniture. I actually had to think for a moment where I'd hang our coat rack, whether in the coat closet or outside of it, to which I finally decided, inside. And I'd set the kitchen up just as it was from the last time I was there. :)

I'm ready to go back home. I feel as if I'm out at sea, home-sick, gone far too long and I've been given word that its my time now, time to head back and I just cant keep the image of myself being back home out of my head.

But then reality seeps in and I think that maybe I wont get it. Maybe we wont qualify for a loan right now. Maybe we wouldnt be able to make the payments. Maybe I'd finally have to say good-bye.

I think this home represents more than just a place to lay my head at night, or a place to have family dinners; it seems as if its the last piece of my mom. I know, I shouldnt hold on to a home just to feel close to her, but I think deep down inside, its the truth. I want to go back to memories. I want to go back and create even more memories in that home.

It's just a building, Toni, just wood and wires. Nothing more of your mom even exists there, but I want it to. It's been almost three years since my mom passed and there is nothing that seems to heal the pain, the hole thats been left. I know the Lord can fill it. I know its possible to heal with His love, but to this day, He's chosen to leave it open.

Sometimes it's still just so hard to breath; to move. I told myself 60 years. I'd live 60 more years and that'd be it, that'd be all I could manage without my mom. I must admit, these 2.5 years have worn me down, left me a bit tired, wondering if 57 years is even possible. My biggest fear through it all is that I'll forget her. I'll forget how she sounded, how she felt, what she smelt like. I'll slowly forget my mom and I just cant bear to think about it. I want my mom back. I want my life back with her.

It's not gonna be, Toni, no matter how many times you say it or how much you mean it, this is life and this is what you have. I am grateful, Lord, that you allowed me the time I had with my mom. I am blessed, Lord, that you took her out of this pain. I thank you for all the memories I have of her, and for the peace that you've given me to continue on without her. I give you all this pain and ask you to do with as you will. May you be gloried always. I love you, Lord, it is all in your hands. Jesus, you made a promise before you left that you would always be with us; I'm holding you to it.

My moment is done.
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