Friday, February 26, 2010

Being A Mother...

Being a Mom has to be the hardest thing I've ever attempted and tried.

I am great at what I do when it comes to my profession. I work hard to ensure that my kids work on standards, goals, and objectives; that they feel safe, secure, and enjoy their day while in my classroom. It's a family, and we all know it.

And yet, when I come home I don't feel the same high regard for myself as I do while I'm working. I, at times, feel as if I've failed as a mother and a wife. My home does not stay as clean as I'd like. I don't have my dream home where I invite friends and family over all the time, entertaining to the "T" and celebrating life with company.

I recently asked the question, "what do you regret" to several people, and the response that I was given was pretty much nothing. I was told by one person that she was a collect of her past events and to regret anything would be to change who she now is. I don't know. I do have regrets and they all involve the decisions I've made as a mother.

Motherly Regrets:
1. Letting go of Austin at such a young age. I wish I would have made my, now, 16 year old move schools instead of leaving him where he was and agreeing to a different living arrangement between me and his dad. I do seriously regret this decision. I did what my son asked of me but my heart has continued to be broken from the aftermath.

2. Starting Jeremy too early into Kindergarten. I feel I should have held him back another year, but because his brother, Austin, had started early and had done so well I felt Jeremy would as well. It's almost daily that I think about this decision and wonder why I didn't give it more thought at the time.

3. Working full time and not being a stay-at-home-mom has left my house a mess and me filled with the idea that I must do it all. I would love to stay home and cook meals all day, clean my house from top to bottom, and play with my children, but I'm driven to do the work I do. I know my life was to be split between my own biological children and the other 12 I take on each year. I have always felt responsible for all children and I understand why, in my heart, I must do what I do every day.

4. I am not trusting enough when it comes to my marriage. And, no, it's not about him cheating, it's about me trusting that Sean will take care of me. I'm not all too unhappy about this one since I truly believe we should solely rely on the Lord for security, but still, this has kept me guarded at times, unable to express myself as freely as I'd like at times. It is so important to me that my hubby thinks highly of me, more so than anyone I know. I always want him to be proud of me, to which he always reminds me that he is, but still, an area I should definitely grow in.

And, I guess when it comes down to it, I shouldn't beat myself up over these issues. These are things I really can't change and the ones I can, I can just work on. *laughs* Maddie is getting upset at the moment, so I need to end this thought here. Motherhood is a never ending state of being to everyone else what you'd like to sometimes be to yourself.
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