Sunday, April 4, 2010

My Beloved

I've never sat down and written out our story. I think it's taken me several years of living it to actually understand, come to terms, and then allow this relationship to find it's own identity before I could actually bring it to life in words.

I have always searched for God, even when I didn't know what to call Him, who He was, or what was even the truth. I continued to search, and even though I was wrong on many of my beliefs for years, God lead me back to where I actually started, recreated me, and has filled my life with wonder, amazement, joy, and truth.

It all began March of 2004. I was searching AOL profiles for the words "spiritual". I came across a guy here in town, messaged him, and within a few minutes got back a message that he was spending time with his girlfriend and wasn't really "on-line" at the moment. Ok then. :)

He messaged me a few days later.

When I actually began talking with Sean I had no idea he was a Christian, for I would have quickly walked away and never looked back. However, because that word wasn't at the forefront, I was able, instead, to see a relationship with a God that I desired and did not know, but knew I wanted. It was simply this relationship that I'd been searching feverishly for and I'd finally found it. There I was witnessing it within this person's life, and all I could do was stand in awe and bewildered. :) Jesus Christ had returned to me.

I walked away from Christianity in my early 20's and explored many different beliefs and energy. And let me tell you, friend, there are plenty of entities that exist, I've played with several of them, but there is only One truth, whether you believe it or not, it's just how it is.

I was still married when I began talking with Sean. He was healing from a past relationship, or should I say, simply healing from his past, and we were in no way compatible, and God made sure of that. :) My life with the Lord was to take precident over any new relationship I wanted to develop with a man. So, it would be two solid years of the Lord working within my life, to even come close to being a woman who was well enough to be loved by another.

For years my life grew with God and Sean. My life also grew to incorporate my dad back into it. That relationship wouldn't come full circle until my mom passed away, but still, it needed it's own time to begin the healing process.

I remember my mom asking me if Sean and I were dating, and I assured her that we weren't. Her comment was that she wished we were, so that Sean could be there for me. I know, that doesn't mean much to you, but it came back around November 16, 2006, a week after my mother had passed away, and Sean and I sat in a little mexican restaurant where he asked me to be his girlfriend. I couldn't even look at him I was so shy and awkward. :)

On a side note, I know in my heart that my mother wasn't gonna leave me until she knew, herself, that I'd be ok, and that it took God showing her that things would fall into place and that my life would still be full of peace and love, even after she was gone from it.

So, my life changed.

I don't recall the first few months of our actual "serious" relationship. Like I said, my mom had just passed away, but I remember Sean taking care of things. I was living in a blur, and cried a great deal, and Sean was there to love me. He constantly told me he loved me. He blew kisses to me if he was more than 3 feet away. I don't know how he knew, but this type of love was exactly what I needed. I was just beginning to learn and believe that I could be loved, and here was a man willing to give me all he could.

It's wasn't long after that Sean and I moved into his parent's house. They moved out and we moved in. Sean was not about marriage. I was, but I knew rushing him was not the way it would go. I finally came to terms with it and simply decided I wanted to live my life with this man, married or not, we would be together.

Let me make a side note here: I had stopped going to church after my mom died. I couldn't handle the pain of being so open and vulnerable in public. I should have gone, but I didn't. And, it actually took two more years before I would head back.

A year passed, Sean and I were still getting to know one another. I'm a hard woman to live with. I'm sure it wasn't easy for the man. :) In January of 2008, Sean called me at work and simply said, "it's time for us to get married." What?! He said the good Lord had put it on his heart and so then it was time. :) I told everyone. :) No, maybe it's not the way some women would plan it, but it was perfect to me.

Because of certain actions I'd taken in the past, with two other marriages (I told you God had a lot of work to do with me), I had a really hard time getting a marriage license in TN. It was pretty impossible. Crazy, huh? :) So, May 7, 2008, I had to run down to a GA. courthouse to pick up some papers and I asked about their policy on a marriage just needed your I.D. Whooo-Hooo! I called Sean and told him. We agreed we'd go the next day. I called work and said I sick...sorry guys, I needed a day off. :)

May 8, 2008, I remember waking up and wondering what I'd wear that day. Should I dress up? It was my wedding day after all. I glanced over to see Sean getting dressed, he was going with jeans and a shirt. Ok, then, jeans it'll be. I actually changed a few more times before I finally just gave up and decided it just wasn't that important. Our hiking shoes. We both wore them for the occasion.

We reached the court house around 9:00, filled out paper work, and then waited. We didn't say much. I think I was a little worried that if I talked too much about it, he'd bolt, so, we just waited. Finally, the judge came out and got us. He began, we held hands, looking at one another. I began to cry. I had never felt so vulnerable before in my life. I stood there before God and Sean and this other guy we just called Judge, and I revealed myself totally, and just waited for complete acceptance and love. Afterwards, Sean bent down and wrapped his arms around me, and I whispered, "thank you."

And that was that. We were married. :) I've never gotten tired of hearing him call me his wife or when he mentions the word marriage. I probably still blush with joy and excitement everytime. Just recently Sean bought a new cell phone and as we sat on the couch, he began flipping through his contacts when he came to my name, pulled it up, and read to me, "my wife." I'm still smiling. :)

I don't believe in soul mates and nor do I believe in destiny. I do believe, however, that God has His hand in this life and will provide if we ask, if we wait, and if we allow Him to. Sean and I have talked a great deal about his past relationships and I'm deeply saddened by all the pain, but yet I'm so grateful that he was pushed back into the arms of the Lord, and that the Lord saw fit to give him to me. :) I can't imagine my life without Sean. I can't imagine breathing without him. We grow closer daily. We still fight and bicker and pout, at times, but even through all that, we make room for each other's faults and we continue to blow our little kisses and say, "I love you."

It was two months later that I discovered I was pregnant with our daughter; it finally clicked as to why it was finally time for us to get married. We still had some bumps to work through at the beginning and there was a moment that I was worried it would all fall a part, but God pulled us through, and we are stronger and better for it.

Madison was born March 27, 2009, and when she was 4 weeks old we headed back to church. It was time I gave my family back to the Lord and we haven't missed a beat since. :)

My life is certainly full of excitement, growth, and even drama, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm finally alive, finally full of life, and finally able to be myself, completely, and be loved for who I am. My husband didn't renew me, my Lord did, but it is my amazing Lord that allows my wonderful husband to tag along for the ride. :)

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