Thursday, January 26, 2012

Me As A Wife: Breaking Down Barriers

I'm a very private person, I don't open my home up to strangers or even friends much of the time. I like my alone time. I like having a place I can run to, hide away, and recuperate from the outside world. That being said, I've missed out on many opportunities to build friendships and relationships by being so reclusive. I regret this trait that I possess, this fear or feeling of inadequacy when it comes to entertaining friends/family or simply just letting people inside my world.

Part of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel as if I live in my dream home. I'm not really proud of the way my house looks, the things it lacks, and the way it compares to others. And this has really impacted the way I feel when people visit. I always worry about what others will think or how they will view me and my family based on what we have or don't have. However, since having Jacob I've been given the opportunity to break down this wall and expose myself, share myself, and let others in.

Our Sunday School class has stepped forward and delivered dinner almost each night this week. I've been so touched by their generosity, the fact that they share their resources with us, they buy and prepare the food and then drive it over so that I don't have to cook. Yes, I have to keep my house clean, sweep my floor every night/day and make sure my husband keeps his clothes picked up, but overall this experience has allowed me to really open up and let people in. I've had to let go of my fears and accept what I have and where I live and the kindness and love of others.

I've also been shown the "fruit" of love, the actual giving of someone's time and energy. And, it's been a great model for me. I now see what others do so that I can do it as well. The next time someone has a baby or even a death or hardship I'll have a frame of reference on what I can do to help that family. It seems so elementary yet it seems like such a massive lesson that I've learned. It's like a little piece that I didn't know. And, somehow opening up to others has also brought a realization of how much more I want to open up to my husband. 

When my mom passed away, Sean and I really began dating and he asked me at the end of a semester of school whether or not I wanted him to go to the next semester or for him to take care of me. It sounds like an odd question but he was saying that if he continued on with school then I'd have to fall behind school in his line of priorities. I made the decision to ask for his help. I really felt like I needed it, I couldn't go a day without breaking down and I really wanted someone to make sure I wasn't neglecting the kids. Sadly, Sean never returned back to school. He made a choice, for me, and he moved forward with it. It's taken me 4 years to realize this and what he gave up for me, temporarily that is. I'm not sure I've ever really given anything up for someone. I know I haven't for my husband. It really helps me to see where maybe a change needs to occur, I'm not sure what it is, but maybe something.

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