Sunday, January 8, 2012

Me As A Wife: In My Book, Being A Wife Is Harder

To me, being a parent is a breeze, it's what I do, it's what I LOVE, but being a wife is different it's something I struggle with, almost daily.

I've been married three times now. It's nothing I'm proud of, and it's even a bit of a joke with those around me. I don't pride myself on the multitude of last names I've acquired, I'm actually a bit ashamed of it and would prefer to be like Ms. Mary Mac over there who has the perfect marriage and is always happily fulfilling her wifely duties, whatever that is.
I've never felt like I was ever apart of a team when it has come to my marriages/relationships, it's been more like me and you and together we'll share this space and memories and be happy. I'm really not sure where my ideas of marriage have evolved from. I remember my mom was usually the one in charge, the one who took care of all the responsibilities while my dad was in charge of...working? He was gone more often then mom and when he was home, I guess I never did see them make decisions or parent together. And maybe with the feelings of abandonment I felt after my dad left did put a damper on trusting men, but I'm not sure it can account for my complete lack of relationship success. And, speaking of childhood memories shaping and dictating your adult life, I really don't put too much credit into it, I mean come on, don't you reach a point in your life where you make your own decisions on how to live rather than simply being a product of your past? And, maybe that's where I am right now, trying to break free from something that's held me bondage for too long, something that I don't understand and want to make changes with.

Either way, I'm taking a moment to discuss something very personal and private to me, an area in which I feel a great deal of lack and inadequacy. If you choose to read these words try not to judge and understand I'm more concerned with making healthy changes than I am about dogging my husband or finding faults. I don't expect to be a perfect wife, I only want to be more open, loving, and appreciative of what I do have. 

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