Saturday, September 22, 2012

Motherhood: Split Between Life

Is it just me or does motherhood feel like a balancing act? Trying to maintain a happy home while you keep your own identity. 

It's interesting that having three kids didn't slow me down but when I put my fourth in there, bam...where did my life go? And actually, it wasn't just having the three kids, it's that I had them in a wide range of ages...having two close together is what really sapped me.

And I'm not saying I regret anything, I'm just saying, I'm surprised that my life, the things I want for myself, seem to be moved to the back burner for a while. And it's not that I can't do them, it's that I choose not to. Like, reading that book or going out with friends. I just feel like right now my kids need me more than they ever will and if I step out on this time, it will be gone forever. 

My two older boys don't enjoy spending much time with Mom but to my two babies, I'm still their world. So, when I think about starting a new project that will take all my time, I pause and say, "I'll do that a couple of years." 

And it's not that anyone's asking me, hell, I'm not even sharing the ideas with anyone, I just don't want to lose this time with my kids. I have several regrets with not spending enough time with my oldest son and I don't want to repeat that.

So, as I look at the tiny blue jeans laying on the floor {size 12 months}, I realize it will only be a couple more years and then friends will become more important than hugs with Mom. I'm gonna spend every moment that I can with my kids, and later, I'll rediscover me, for right now I'm happy being their Mom.

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