Thursday, December 19, 2013

Me As A Wife; Me As A Woman

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There are so many moments that make up a life time. Birth, life, dreams, and death. So many moments for us to cherish but what about the dark ones? What do you do with the moments that haunt you, that change you forever?
I have been through my fair share of shit, if you will pardon my French, from an assualt as a child, abandonment from a parent, death of a parent, to even domestic violence. And none of it has ever been easy or beatiful but it certainly has left an impact.
On September 9, 2008 I found my husband on the kitchen floor. He had been drinking and had stumbled and hit his head on the counter. I didn't know any of this since I was sleeping at the time. When I found him he stood up and charged at me. He then chased me to my bedroom, kicked down my locked door, walked over to my bed, and strangled me. I thought I was going to die. My brain raced. I tried to breathe. My only thought, "Jesus," and he let go of me. He climbed in bed next to me and asked me if I wanted him to call the police. I was 10 weeks pregnant. My life had just turned wrong when it should have turned right.
Five years later, December 17, 2013. Our marriage had been struggling and just the day before my husband had written such beautiful words asking me to trust him, to love him, and to allow him to be the best husband and father he could. But this morning he had something else to say. He informed me that for the past several years he had beeen drinking alcohol, daily. It seemed his life was so...painful(?)...that he needed to self-medicate with vodka. My husand was a Stay-At-Home-Dad sneaking shots during the day and night from the basement while his family went along without a clue.
I was crushed. I was furious. He had always sworn to me that his attack on me back in 2008 was due to flashbacks from an attack he had endured while in the Navy, but I thought we both understood that the circumstances (the drinking, the fall) where things he could control by not turning to alcohol, and that he would never do so again.
Nothing remains hidden in the dark, it will all come to light soon enough. I had been betrayed. I had been lied to on the occassions when I found empty bottles around the house. The man that I loved with ever fiber of my being continued to do the one thing that lead straight to my abuse. How could he? Why would he?! I didn't care about answers at the time, I only wanted him out. I would not remain in the same house with a man who cared so little about me, so much about himself, and who built my marriage on top of lies.
And this is where I am today. My brain is confused. My heart is broken. Other things have taken place but once you have a bonfire, what more does adding kindeling actually do for the fire? My next thought is to my children. Next week is Christmas and instead of enjoying the day as I had planned, I've packed up and am heading to family so that my husband can remain in this house until he offically can move out.
I feel horrible. I feel like the worst mother to walk this Earth. How could I allow another marriage to end? But how can I allow him to continue to neglect this family? All I wanted was to love him and by doing so I denied so many wrongs, sweeping them away, pretending to give forgiveness, but in actuallity, I only wanted my family to be happy and healthy. I wanted to look past the bad and only capture the moments that were beautiful and wonderful and amazing. Oh, they were amazing.
I started therapy a month ago to discuss some childhood tramuas and yet I was apprehensive about going but the last time I had tried to deal with these issues, a month into therapy, my mother passed away. Talk about a negative association. The first day I met with my therapist, I explained this anxiety that something bad would happy since I had decided to start seeing someone professionally. Was this my bad moment? It sure as hell doesn't feel like a happy one.....

Matthew 5:44

New International Version (NIV)
44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

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