Saturday, May 17, 2014

Dear Papa: I Can Breathe

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It's been almost two months since you left and I've just realized that I've gone the last two days without crying, without sobbing over your passing. My heart still aches and I constantly think of you through out the day - when I want to pick up the phone and call you, when I think of questions I know you could answer, and when I want to ask you for help such as putting up a damn ceiling fan. And then my brain reminds me that you're no longer here like that. 

I keep a picture of us on my phone so each time I touch my screen I see your face. It was that time you were playing Candy Crush on my iPad and I was leaned over with my head on your shoulder. I would always jump in and swipe a move and you never got mad. :)

Austin seems closer to me now. I guess he's come to realize how fragile life is and that we truly do need to spend time with those we love. Jeremy doesn't say much. Maddie still consistently tells me that my parents are's her way of dealing. Jacob doesn't say much about you anymore, but don't worry, I'll always have pics to share with him. But still, pictures will never do justice to your presence. Oh, how I miss you so.

It feels like it was a different life back then, the three of us - you, me, and mom. I miss that life. I miss those sounds, the smells, and the experiences of it all. I'm so far from that place right now, so far from who I was back then. Life has insisted on moving forward while I've tried to cling to broken bits of memories. 

I should be making plans to come and see you this summer. I don't understand this life and all it's pain. I sometimes forget what the real purpose of it all is, but somehow through it all, I went a day without crying. I almost made it two until I started typing this post then the tears came and Maddie asked again, "are you happy or sad, Momma?"

I love you, Papa, and somehow I now know there will come days when the pain isn't so bad, and when I'll make it more days without feeling so lost and afraid.

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