Dear Papa: I Can Breathe

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It's been almost two months since you left and I've just realized that I've gone the last two days without crying, without sobbing over your passing. My heart still aches and I constantly think of you through out the day - when I want to pick up the phone and call you, when I think of questions I know you could answer, and when I want to ask you for help such as putting up a damn ceiling fan. And then my brain reminds me that you're no longer here like that. 

I keep a picture of us on my phone so each time I touch my screen I see your face. It was that time you were playing Candy Crush on my iPad and I was leaned over with my head on your shoulder. I would always jump in and swipe a move and you never got mad. :)

Austin seems closer to me now. I guess he's come to realize how fragile life is and that we truly do need to spend time with those we love. Jeremy doesn't say much. Maddie still consistently tells me that my parents are dead...it's her way of dealing. Jacob doesn't say much about you anymore, but don't worry, I'll always have pics to share with him. But still, pictures will never do justice to your presence. Oh, how I miss you so.

It feels like it was a different life back then, the three of us - you, me, and mom. I miss that life. I miss those sounds, the smells, and the experiences of it all. I'm so far from that place right now, so far from who I was back then. Life has insisted on moving forward while I've tried to cling to broken bits of memories. 

I should be making plans to come and see you this summer. I don't understand this life and all it's pain. I sometimes forget what the real purpose of it all is, but somehow through it all, I went a day without crying. I almost made it two until I started typing this post then the tears came and Maddie asked again, "are you happy or sad, Momma?"

I love you, Papa, and somehow I now know there will come days when the pain isn't so bad, and when I'll make it more days without feeling so lost and afraid.

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Dear Papa: My Life Has No Normal

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I've tried to compare this period of mourning to what I went through when my Mom passed, but there are too many different variables. 

When you came into my life I was an 11 year old girl who was dealing with abandonment issues. My Dad had walked out of my life and still to this day I'm not sure why a parent chooses to leave the life of a child. Why did he go so far away? Did he love himself more, his desires more than he loved me?

My Mom was always dealing with medical issues and this in itself caused me a great deal of anxiety. I never truly understood the severity of it at that time, but never the less I sensed the sadness and pain of it all. I watched my Mom's world crumble when my Dad left. I had never seen someone in so much pain before. How could life be a happy and safe place when the loss of someone could rip apart so much?

But that's where you found us. You became my Steven, my stepdad, but more than that, you became my stability. You openly and instantly accepted me as, "Your Girl," but I took more time. I never wanted to replace my Dad, and you two were so different, but I needed a father figure, I needed to see a healthy relationship between two parents, and you gave me that. 

I keep telling myself that it's ok to cry for you. I keep wondering when my life will become normal again, when the sadness will end, and when my children will see a happy Mother again, but then I remind myself that you were such an important part of my life, of who I am now, that it will take time for me to find my balance. It's ok to cry for people we love. It's ok to miss you. It's ok to understand that we will create no more memories with you and that fact saddens me so. People will always say that I'll see you again, but first I'll have to live out the next 60 years without you. That's not an easy idea for me.

Sundays are the hardest days for me. That's the day I heard the news. I replay those moments over in my head. I don't recall the sound or even many of the words but it's more like a silent picture, watching Sean's face, his reactions. Calling Aunt Charlotte only to leave a message. Seeing Sean walk up to me shaking his head, "No..." I ended up outside, in the dark, in my pajamas, my face burried in my hands simply repeating, "Why...Why...Why..." I couldn't understand why Papa needed to leave. I couldn't understand why this was taking place. I couldn't understand...he wasn't sick (that we knew of), he hadn't been involved in an accident, he was even suppose to have visisted with us that weekend, Maddie's birthday, but he couldn't make it. I wish I would have had one more chance to hug him, to talk with him, to hear him laugh, to watch him play with the kids. 

I never cried when my Dad left. I never spoke of my pain or confusion. No one really asked or talked to me about it. Papa came into my life and healed a little girl's broken heart, he took care of my Mother as her body broke down, and he gave my kids a Grandparent to love and enjoy life with.

Sadly, I never developed a relationship with any other man that offered such security, safety, and love as I had with my Papa. I've never trusted any other man as I did my Papa. What a shame that my only comforter, the one person that I knew loved me completely is gone. 

The air feels so thick during these moments. My chest heaves up and down as if I can't get enough breath. My heart is truly broken. I can only imagine that the loss of a child would be greater than this pain. 

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Dear Papa: Life Goes On

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Dear Papa,

Your body was finally laid to rest today in the National Cemetery with Mom. I don't know why your life had to be so short. My heart hurts because this world wont stop moving forward no matter how badly I'd like to just take a moment and freeze it so that I can catch my breath. 
I don't know what I'll do now. I'm sure I'll get up every morning, go to work, workout, laugh, eat, sleep, be a mother, be a wife...all of these things will continue on but there will always be a piece of me that doesn't move, that I left outside the night I heard of your passing and could only mutter, "why."
Why had my Papa left? Why? I repeated it a hundred times, expecting an answer, never hearing anything back, only thinking of Job and the answer the good Lord gave him. Who am I to question God?
But is it God or life that plays out here? Could things have been different? Was this the result of our American diet coupled with the demand of riding, that you loved so much? But in the end, my heart doesn't care what the answer is, it only knows of the countless opportunities and memories lost. So many memories never to be made.
You were put in the ground today and I'm expected to go on living. I think you got the easier of the two options.

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Dear Papa: My Loss

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When I was around 11, this man arrived into my life and remained there for the next 26 years. He and my mom were married about 5 years when I became pregnant and he became "Papa". My pregnancy was a shock to say the least but the day he held my baby for the first time, I knew everything would be ok, I knew I would be ok. This past Sunday I received the news that my Papa had enjoyed a 4 hour bicycle ride, returned home, and suffered a massive heart attack. My world was crushed. You see seven years ago my mom passed away and Papa was there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but who would be here now? Over this past week I've learned so many new things about Steven from friends and coworkers, I've gotten to know a man that I wish I had had a little more time with. I also realized that Papa taught me to trust again, trust in life and in people. He was always there to talk or comfort me, and he was always there to simply let me know that he wanted to be a part of my life. He called weekly, he always asked questions, and he rarely argued with me. :) He truly showed me the simple act of being present in my life, the same way I try, but feel as if I fail most times, to be present with my own children. I have many emotions right now. I have too many tears and not enough answers. I wish life was different, but it's not, and this is all I have at the moment. In the past I've turned to this blog to write out my thoughts but over time that hobby has dwindled. I'd like to take this time and really work through my thoughts and feelings, sharing them here, to help heal my pain and recall found memories of times past.