Dear Papa: My Life Has No Normal

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I've tried to compare this period of mourning to what I went through when my Mom passed, but there are too many different variables. 

When you came into my life I was an 11 year old girl who was dealing with abandonment issues. My Dad had walked out of my life and still to this day I'm not sure why a parent chooses to leave the life of a child. Why did he go so far away? Did he love himself more, his desires more than he loved me?

My Mom was always dealing with medical issues and this in itself caused me a great deal of anxiety. I never truly understood the severity of it at that time, but never the less I sensed the sadness and pain of it all. I watched my Mom's world crumble when my Dad left. I had never seen someone in so much pain before. How could life be a happy and safe place when the loss of someone could rip apart so much?

But that's where you found us. You became my Steven, my stepdad, but more than that, you became my stability. You openly and instantly accepted me as, "Your Girl," but I took more time. I never wanted to replace my Dad, and you two were so different, but I needed a father figure, I needed to see a healthy relationship between two parents, and you gave me that. 

I keep telling myself that it's ok to cry for you. I keep wondering when my life will become normal again, when the sadness will end, and when my children will see a happy Mother again, but then I remind myself that you were such an important part of my life, of who I am now, that it will take time for me to find my balance. It's ok to cry for people we love. It's ok to miss you. It's ok to understand that we will create no more memories with you and that fact saddens me so. People will always say that I'll see you again, but first I'll have to live out the next 60 years without you. That's not an easy idea for me.

Sundays are the hardest days for me. That's the day I heard the news. I replay those moments over in my head. I don't recall the sound or even many of the words but it's more like a silent picture, watching Sean's face, his reactions. Calling Aunt Charlotte only to leave a message. Seeing Sean walk up to me shaking his head, "No..." I ended up outside, in the dark, in my pajamas, my face burried in my hands simply repeating, "Why...Why...Why..." I couldn't understand why Papa needed to leave. I couldn't understand why this was taking place. I couldn't understand...he wasn't sick (that we knew of), he hadn't been involved in an accident, he was even suppose to have visisted with us that weekend, Maddie's birthday, but he couldn't make it. I wish I would have had one more chance to hug him, to talk with him, to hear him laugh, to watch him play with the kids. 

I never cried when my Dad left. I never spoke of my pain or confusion. No one really asked or talked to me about it. Papa came into my life and healed a little girl's broken heart, he took care of my Mother as her body broke down, and he gave my kids a Grandparent to love and enjoy life with.

Sadly, I never developed a relationship with any other man that offered such security, safety, and love as I had with my Papa. I've never trusted any other man as I did my Papa. What a shame that my only comforter, the one person that I knew loved me completely is gone. 

The air feels so thick during these moments. My chest heaves up and down as if I can't get enough breath. My heart is truly broken. I can only imagine that the loss of a child would be greater than this pain. 

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Getting Back On Track

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Life hit me pretty hard recently with the loss of my stepdad, Papa. Sunday will be four weeks since he passed and I'm still not sure which way is up. I know I'm still breathing. I know my kids and husband are still living, and I'm even able to laugh and enjoy life at times. And then there are times when I'm gripped with heart breaking pain, when the tears come, and I begin rocking back and forth trying to comfort myself from the realization of this loss. 
My Papa loved cycling. He took it up when my mom's health began to really suffer, probably 15 years or so ago. Riding was his way of releasing stress, of taking a break from the responsibilities of being a care taker, and simply being among friends. 
He would ride for hours and then he began entering different races. He never bragged too much about the sport but I always wanted to join him. Every time I'd think it was a good time to take up riding, life would pop up another adventure from my Master's degree, marriage, and/or pregnancies. But no matter what, Papa always found time in his schedule to ride.
I was always proud of him for taking up such a sport and for sticking with it for so many years. I began running about 5 years ago and even though I've taken some breaks here and there, I always return to the sport. I always wanted to run a race with Papa but we never got around to it. Yet my husband recently began training and he and I ran our first race together just last weekend. It was a 5K and he kicked my butt. :)
In the process of about 6 months my husband has removed 62 pounds from his body. He has lowered his cholesterol and is able to run 6 miles, pretty much non stop, at about a 9 to 10 min/mi pace. I'm not that fast. :) And even though, Sean had to run slower that day and even take a few walk breaks, he helped shave off almost a whole minute and a half from my previous race times. I finished at 37:16, he at 37:14. I'm happy to say we took the time to experience that moment together and will never have any regrets of not doing so.
And today, even though I'm still grieving and uncertain of many things, I know I must push forward and make my health a priority once again. Running has never been easy, and it seems a hell of a lot slower when the mind is stressed, but you just keep going, right? Sometimes, like these times, it doesn't matter so much the pace time as it does just simply keeping the routine going so that when I awake from this fog, I'll still be in a place that I worked towards when I first joined the Mamavation Campaign. 
This week's goals:

• 64 ounces of water a day
• tracking my food 
• 3 days of fitness (anything from yoga, weight training, to running)

What about You? How has Your week been? What are You striving for in the weeks to come?

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Dear Papa: My Loss

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When I was around 11, this man arrived into my life and remained there for the next 26 years. He and my mom were married about 5 years when I became pregnant and he became "Papa". My pregnancy was a shock to say the least but the day he held my baby for the first time, I knew everything would be ok, I knew I would be ok. This past Sunday I received the news that my Papa had enjoyed a 4 hour bicycle ride, returned home, and suffered a massive heart attack. My world was crushed. You see seven years ago my mom passed away and Papa was there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, but who would be here now? Over this past week I've learned so many new things about Steven from friends and coworkers, I've gotten to know a man that I wish I had had a little more time with. I also realized that Papa taught me to trust again, trust in life and in people. He was always there to talk or comfort me, and he was always there to simply let me know that he wanted to be a part of my life. He called weekly, he always asked questions, and he rarely argued with me. :) He truly showed me the simple act of being present in my life, the same way I try, but feel as if I fail most times, to be present with my own children. I have many emotions right now. I have too many tears and not enough answers. I wish life was different, but it's not, and this is all I have at the moment. In the past I've turned to this blog to write out my thoughts but over time that hobby has dwindled. I'd like to take this time and really work through my thoughts and feelings, sharing them here, to help heal my pain and recall found memories of times past.