These past few days I've taken a moment to really examine my life and understand just how fragle it is. It's as if life sits on a point, teetering from side to side, waiting for something, anything to nudge it one way or the other and then, well, there you go, a journey begins.
I went ahead and took a test this evening and it came up NEGATIVE. For a moment I *thought* I saw that little line wanna appear, but after taking it outside to examine closely, in bright light, I was reassured of only a negative sign.
And now I can breath again. :) Life would have been very different with another baby around here. I must honestly admit that I was scared and truly could not have understood or believed it would have been possible to make it. :) I was actually, almost, a little upset with God. I mean, come on, how in the world could He expect us to take on another little person?? And I only say this cause this pregnancy would have in no way been my fault. Does that sounds mean?? Well, its simply how I felt, if God was wanting to bring another child into this family, well my goodness, He sure better make a way to make it all happen. And honestly, I'm not even really sure I would have demanded that. I mean, come on, what does God owe me? :)
I think Sean's been in a cloud about the whole thing or maybe its just pure fear whenever I would mention it. Either way, I tried to tell him I took a test but the conversation was cut off pretty quickly with our attention being drawn to Maddie. And another thing I realized, I was a bit sad to think I'd have to share my time and energy with another baby, taking away from Maddie, Jeremy, and Austin. I just dont know how much of myself I have left to give. Thats not to say I dont support others who have large families, I just dont think I can do it. :)
So, are we happy? Well, I'm not completely satisfied til I take one more test in the morning and then I'll truly rule out any craziness, call my dr. to see what we need to do next, and then prop my feet up and relax. Life is an adventure, and I'm so grateful that I have the Lord when it all starts getting hairy. :)