Monday, November 29, 2010

Suffering A Loss and Acceptance

Just because I don't respond a certain way or blog about a particular topic doesn't mean that I don't feel like other women.

I was recently pregnant and then I wasn't. For a brief moment I was so relieved. I was so worried about every financial aspect, of how everything was gonna work out, that when I saw a negative on the last test, I was shocked but not bawling. I went on my way. I didnt cry. I didnt stop and rethink my world or even mourn the loss of something that would never be.

However, I didnt stop thinking about it, either. I went on with my life, not completely admiting what had happened, not even sharing it with my husband at first, simply going forward, thinking things had worked out for the best, that what I saw wasn't anything, that what I felt wasn't anything.

BUT I KNOW WHAT I SAW AND I KNOW WHAT I FELT!

I do not have to justify my behavior, nor my beliefs. I do not have to cry a thousand tears for something to be real or painful. I am a mother. I made a baby. And that baby went away. I do not ask for sympathy or pity. I am not defined by one moment, but I am touched and changed by it none the less.

I feel alone and numb. I feel confused. I feel attacked and shunned.

And tomorrow I'll move on again.



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