Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Me As A Wife: Holding On To Heartache




Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I misinterpret what is being said to me, it's as if my filter isn't so clear or maybe it's smudge by a past filled with shame and guilt.

This happens when my husband and I are talking. He says one thing, I hear another. Did he really mean to be so harsh? Does he really feel that way about me? Sometimes I ask if he's mad or upset with me when I get the impression that he is...I'm usually wrong. He rarely gets upset with me. I get upset with him and then I usually pout.

I wonder how much frustration I cause myself by allowing my thoughts to upset me. There are days I get stuck in a "I can't be loved" mode and I spend my time convincing myself that I'm unlovable. I cry. I even sob. And so I wonder how much of it is my twisted head versus what really is taking place?

I recently discovered an email that I thought I had deleted. It's an email that hurt me so badly. It's from a person that I don't much care for, a person that said something extremely hurtful to me when I was in a great deal of pain. I thought maybe I should reread that email, that maybe she wasn't as harsh and as mean as I took her to be. Maybe my filter was dirty that day. I chickened out. I'm not ready. And honestly, what if I reread it and discover I was wrong? What if I've been holding on to all this anger and hatred to only discover that I misunderstood something? What do I do then? 

My husband always forgives me. No matter how much I scream, pout, or irritate him, he always forgives me. I'm don't forgive so easily. He's found the secret though...to forgive as we are to be forgiven. He understands it, gets it, or maybe he's just done enough stuff in his life that he needs a great deal of forgiveness for and he's banking on his forgiveness of others to clear his name. Either way, the end result still happens...he still forgives. It's simply another area I'm continuing to grow in. I think when you finally become aware of something then you can let it go, let it heal, and then move on. I hope this where I am. I hope I've come to understand a little something more about myself and that by doing so I'll be able to learn more about forgiveness of myself and others.


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