Sunday, October 20, 2013

Mommy Fail: Sometimes I just Don't Want To Be A Mother

A couple of years ago when I was finishing my Master's in Education, I took a families class. I learned that a parent's life stage is based on the oldest child's age. Therefore, my parenting life stage is that of an offspring that's 20 years old. I remind myself of this during those moments that I'd rather be by myself, working on a personal project rather than cooking dinner or bathing a preschooler and toddler.
It's not that I don't like my kids, I usually do, but sometimes I just get tired of being a Mom. I get tired of taking care of other small people and I'd rather be doing my own thing.
And then the guilt sets in.
How could I have brought four, wonderful children into this world, and then one day wake up and decide, "I don't want to do it anymore?" How is that possible? How is that gentically supportive of continuing the human species?
Do other parents feel this way? Do other Moms want to simply scream and run away? Maybe that's where the alcohol comes in. Maybe that's why you see so many "Mommy with wine" moments on twitter. I understand now.
And it's not that I don't have enough personal time. I get plenty. I go to the gym, I work outside the home, and I have my weekly belly dancing class where I refuel my feminine side.
 Maybe this is where that whole, "No, I'm done having kids," express comes from. You know the one, where you're at the park with your friend and her kids and you're chatting and laughing. You look over and see her give her kid a big hug and kiss and you genuinely ask, "so, you gonna have a couple more?" And she looks at you with the most curious face and simple states, "NO. I'm done." I understand that statement now. I understand.

I acually awoke this morning thinking about a famly with eight kids. How does that Mom do it? How does she keep sane? How does she keep herself from being locked in the bathroom all day, rocking in the corner, thinking, "WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?" Not that I've done

I guess I'm finally just there. I'm on the brink of being a Mom, being a woman, and trying to balance it all out. Sometimes people comment on all the wonderful family activities I do at home, especially after working all day with kids. My response is truly that if I didn't entertain the little monsters they would spend their time running around, screaming, simply driving me crazy. It's called managing my own sanity while I smile and enjoy my kids through their play.

All in all, I have met my match as a woman. I have wrestled the bear and have somehow won, on most days. I know these kids wont be small forever and as they grow our lives will change and one day I'll wake up to an empty house with plenty of time to do whatever it is I choose. I only hope then that I don't long for these moments and regret all my current complaining.
Tell me, how do you handle life with kids?
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