Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Finding Forgiveness on Christmas Eve

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I am a prideful person. I am also a jealous person. At times my self-esteem dips too low and I moan and groan over my weight, my hair, and my wrinkles. I'm not proud of these characteristics but I've come to understand that many other women feel these same emotions through out life. Does this make it ok? At times, I suppose, but it also means that there is room for understanding and forgiveness. Below, is a letter to myself on forgiveness, it's time I opened my heart to myself and others and truly understand love and acceptance.
Dear Toni,
I understand that you have had a hard time lately with issues that have arised within your marriage. I understand your pain. I understand disappointment, loss, and heartache. But today I want you to know that I forgive you.
I forgive you for being too young, too small to protect yourself from the boy down the street. I forgive you for not being a great speller, for becoming pregnant at 16, for two divorces, and three marriages. I forgive you for not trusting anyone. I forgive you for running away from life when things got too hard or boring. I forgive you for not being responsible with your money or with your decisions. I forgive you for all the jealousy and anger you felt and gave to others when you didn't feel good enough about yourself. I forigve you for not realizing your self-worth, for not realizing you were and are loved, and I also forgive you for causing so much pain to yourself and others.
It's ok that you aren't perfect. It's ok that your belly jiggles, that you have an extra pocket of fat hanging on your right hip, and it's also ok that you run slower than you'd like or that you haven't ran that marathon, yet. These are all things that can still be worked on, you're still young enough to meet your goals and experience a great life. Just remember it's about the people, not the things. Remember to hug your children often and to prance around in that lingerie every once in awhile for your husband, and most importantly continue to pray for forgiveness, not only for others who have wronged you but also for yourself.
It's really ok. You're gonna be just fine...good even. Today we'll take a step forward with the assurance that what happens in the future, good or bad, doesn't neccessarily reflect on your value as a person and that even though times will be tough, remember your daughter's motto, "Family Sticks Together...." Hold on and dance a little. Smile and sing. Be grateful you have this life to live. I forgive you...I forgive you...I forgive you so now you can move forward, renewed and capable of being loved.
And today I believe I have found forgiveness in myself.

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