So, therapy, how is it going you ask? The day after my first appointment I woke up, went to the gym, and upon returning into my drive way I openly and verbally told the little girl that was attacked that what happened to her was wrong and that even though no one else did anything about it, it doesn't mean that the situation didn't warrant justice and understanding. I told that little girl that I'd take care of her, I'd protect her. And then I cried. I continued to cry for the next several days. I cried because I was mad, because I was hurt, and because I had been let down. I cried because I hadn't cried enough.
After I validated the feelings of my inner child, I was then confronted by the woman who had also been abused. What was I to do for her? What was I to say? My emotions became harder, more fierce. I wanted to be alone and focus on rebuilding my world. I wanted answers. I wanted freedom.
I talked and talked and cried and cried. I expressed more truth in two weeks then I had in more than 10 years. I was definitely letting out the pain and anger that I had stuffed so far down.
Where am I now? I move between utter love and anger, not sure where to settle. I've also made it through my second therapy appointment. Now I have homework. I'm to look at all the people in my life and write how they impact me, negatively as well as positively. Then I'm to decide how to continue my relationship with them. I haven't actually set down and penned anything yet but I do play it over in my mind. Almost as if I'm subconsciously discussing it, preparing, writing a speech even, before I sit down and write it all out. Am I worried? Maybe a little. It may be a moment where I admit more issues or where I see myself, honestly, and maybe that scares me. What if I discover I'm bad? What if I realize I'm the one who is at fault?
I reminded myself of something today..."if it's uncomfortable then I probably need to face it and move through it. If I'm anxious of the outcome of a situation then I give my thoughts more power by not facing it than if I simply did the action and faced the actual outcome." The same applies to this list of people. It's time to face what I must face and work through it. I've been scared long enough, now it's time to live without fear.
If you know someone or if you yourself is a surviver of abuse, please, talk to someone professionally. You don't have to live your life in fear.
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