Blues Around The Holidays

Never miss an update by Liking Carrigan's Joy on Facebook!

So, therapy, how is it going you ask? The day after my first appointment I woke up, went to the gym, and upon returning into my drive way I openly and verbally told the little girl that was attacked that what happened to her was wrong and that even though no one else did anything about it, it doesn't mean that the situation didn't warrant justice and understanding. I told that little girl that I'd take care of her, I'd protect her. And then I cried. I continued to cry for the next several days. I cried because I was mad, because I was hurt, and because I had been let down. I cried because I hadn't cried enough.

 

After I validated the feelings of my inner child, I was then confronted by the woman who had also been abused. What was I to do for her? What was I to say? My emotions became harder, more fierce. I wanted to be alone and focus on rebuilding my world. I wanted answers. I wanted freedom.

 

I talked and talked and cried and cried. I expressed more truth in two weeks then I had in more than 10 years. I was definitely letting out the pain and anger that I had stuffed so far down.

 

Where am I now? I move between utter love and anger, not sure where to settle. I've also made it through my second therapy appointment. Now I have homework. I'm to look at all the people in my life and write how they impact me, negatively as well as positively. Then I'm to decide how to continue my relationship with them. I haven't actually set down and penned anything yet but I do play it over in my mind. Almost as if I'm subconsciously discussing it, preparing, writing a speech even, before I sit down and write it all out. Am I worried? Maybe a little. It may be a moment where I admit more issues or where I see myself, honestly, and maybe that scares me. What if I discover I'm bad? What if I realize I'm the one who is at fault?

 

I reminded myself of something today..."if it's uncomfortable then I probably need to face it and move through it. If I'm anxious of the outcome of a situation then I give my thoughts more power by not facing it than if I simply did the action and faced the actual outcome." The same applies to this list of people. It's time to face what I must face and work through it. I've been scared long enough, now it's time to live without fear.

 

If you know someone or if you yourself is a surviver of abuse, please, talk to someone professionally. You don't have to live your life in fear.

   
Support this post by Voting for me and

Life Is Like A Box of Chocolate: It's Therapy Time

Never miss an update by Liking Carrigan's Joy on Facebook!  

It's been seven years since I sat in an office for therapy. It was right before my mother passed away. I am grateful that I had a professional to speak with during that time, however, after only a couple of weeks the therapist felt I was equiped enough to make the transition (the death of my mother) in a healthy fashion on my own.

 

Ok, and yet, seven years later here I sit typing away, filled with anxiety over an approaching appointment. Why am I going to therapy you ask? Since around 18, right when I started college, I began to experience panic attacks. As a small child, I dealt with anxiety, not really understanding what all was taking place, and rarely sharing it with anyone, yet it came about full force when I became a young adult.

 

I am now 36, so for more than half my life I have dealt with these "attacks." And, to me, and those around me, I feel these moments have caused a great deal of negative situations in my life. Yes, my anxiety impacts the way I live, the way I interact with people, and even the way I maintain my relationships. This is the main reason I'm seeking professional help. I have come to understand that my way of thinking has negatively impacted my family as well as myself and it must stop or at least I need to put forth enough effort in my own mind before simply throwing up my hands and saying, "there is just nothing that can be done about it."

 

I am not a mentally ill person. I am capable of living, enjoying life, setting and meeting goals, as well as holding down a job, providing for my family, and making good, healthy choices for myself and others. I am, however, apprehensive about sitting down with someone and exposing my thoughts and feelings, openly. It's not easy for me to let someone in, I tend to withdrawl and not often ask for help, but I'm even more tired of my negative thinking towards myself and toward some relationships that I must look to others for insight.

 

I've choosen a therapist who not only addresses the psychological symptoms but also looks at nutrition and wellness. I appreciate this approach since we are not simply one or two separate areas but a complete unit that works together to make up our whole identity and being.

 

I also plan to write and share about my experiences. It may get ugly. I know I have several areas that need to be dug up and dealt with. I am fearful of uncovering old pain but I understand the need. So, if you are reading along, please don't judge me as I work through some emotions and behaviors....I'm really trying my best here.

 

What about You? Have You ever attended therapy?

Support this post by Voting for me and