Life Is Like A Box of Chocolate: It's Therapy Time

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It's been seven years since I sat in an office for therapy. It was right before my mother passed away. I am grateful that I had a professional to speak with during that time, however, after only a couple of weeks the therapist felt I was equiped enough to make the transition (the death of my mother) in a healthy fashion on my own.

 

Ok, and yet, seven years later here I sit typing away, filled with anxiety over an approaching appointment. Why am I going to therapy you ask? Since around 18, right when I started college, I began to experience panic attacks. As a small child, I dealt with anxiety, not really understanding what all was taking place, and rarely sharing it with anyone, yet it came about full force when I became a young adult.

 

I am now 36, so for more than half my life I have dealt with these "attacks." And, to me, and those around me, I feel these moments have caused a great deal of negative situations in my life. Yes, my anxiety impacts the way I live, the way I interact with people, and even the way I maintain my relationships. This is the main reason I'm seeking professional help. I have come to understand that my way of thinking has negatively impacted my family as well as myself and it must stop or at least I need to put forth enough effort in my own mind before simply throwing up my hands and saying, "there is just nothing that can be done about it."

 

I am not a mentally ill person. I am capable of living, enjoying life, setting and meeting goals, as well as holding down a job, providing for my family, and making good, healthy choices for myself and others. I am, however, apprehensive about sitting down with someone and exposing my thoughts and feelings, openly. It's not easy for me to let someone in, I tend to withdrawl and not often ask for help, but I'm even more tired of my negative thinking towards myself and toward some relationships that I must look to others for insight.

 

I've choosen a therapist who not only addresses the psychological symptoms but also looks at nutrition and wellness. I appreciate this approach since we are not simply one or two separate areas but a complete unit that works together to make up our whole identity and being.

 

I also plan to write and share about my experiences. It may get ugly. I know I have several areas that need to be dug up and dealt with. I am fearful of uncovering old pain but I understand the need. So, if you are reading along, please don't judge me as I work through some emotions and behaviors....I'm really trying my best here.

 

What about You? Have You ever attended therapy?

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Dirty Laundry

No really, this post is truly about dirty laundry and how the mounds and mounds of it's stinkiness piles up on my laundry room floor, glaring at me ever moment of my life simply daring me to tackle it and maintain a regular routine.
It has a mind of it's own. It swamps my weekends and even when it does get washed, dried, and folded it only hangs out in baskets, never being put up, but simply picked through each day as I run around crazy trying to get everyone dressed and covered.
To say it politely, as only a Southern Lady should, laundry was kicking my ass, and I never could get ahead of it until now. I've come across the most simple and beautiful method ever. I wash each person's clothes separately. Well, I wash the two youngest's clothes together since they can't fill a load on their own but other than that, the rest of the fam. gets his/her own load. They are washed separately, dried separately, and then quickly put up. It's so easy. I go to one room of the house and throw the clothes in drawers, on hangers, and then I'm done. It couldn't be more perfect! 
I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to tame the madness but it has, and now I want to know about You. How do You take care of Your whitey-tighties? How do You keep your sanity when it comes to laundry?
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My Baby Boy, Now Joining The Navy

I remember so many moments...so many precious moments of that little boy. My little boy. He was so funny. He took expeditions to African when he was two, he picked his nose because he said he had to, and he got pushed down a slide and needed stitches when he barely could speak a sentence.
My boy. His idea of the pledge in preschool went with, "and you may all be seated..." He said it every time. Oh my boy. I miss him. I miss his childhood. He seems so grown now. He seems so independent and on his own. 
He leaves for boot camp on November 27. Nine weeks and he'll graduate. Then he'll move to Florida for school. Thankfully it's only the reserves so he'll be home soon after. I want the best for my boy. I want him to be happy, successful, and accomplished, however, I've always feared him going into the military.
I don't know why. I just feel like I'm losing my boy. I feel like he's being taken away, and then there sits that tiny possibility that he could be called up, and hurt. I don't love this nation enough to give it my son. I don't love anyone enough to give up my son.
And yet through all this, I feel utterly selfish for not seeing this as a great adventure. I feel horrible inside for not being proud of my son. And I feel ashamed that I had other plans for his future. This is not my life. I had my time to be his mother and to raise him from a boy. Now it's his time to live life. Motherhood certainly doesn't get easier as children age, it seems to get a bit harder to let go.
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I Am Happy

Just so you know...I am happy. :)

I've suffered with postpartum depression since the birth of my boy, Jacob, but with the help of medication and time, I am finally able to say, "I'm back!"

My life is not perfect. It is in no way free of obstacles, struggles, or hardships but the the symptoms of depression are gone and I am so grateful. 

For anyone out there who is also dealing with this issue, hold tight, it will get better, it will pass. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand your challenge and am here if you ever need support or friendship.

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Postpartum Depression Can Kiss My Ass

If you look around my blog you'll notice a great deal of reviews with a few giveaways thrown in there. If you've followed my blog for while then you might realize the shift it's taken since I've had Jacob. 

I am suffering from postpartum depression and it has sucked the life from me. 

I experienced bits of depression after having my other two boys, absolutely no depression after having my daughter, but within days of having my most recent baby the tears came and they didn't stop til I began medication 8 weeks postpartum. 

Not only did I cry but I simply lived in a half-catatonic state. I was able to walk, talk, and think at times, but at other times I could only manage to sit on the couch and rock my baby. The day I realized I hadn't fed my 3 year old, until she came and told me she was hungry {it was noon}, I knew something had to be done.

I also had a horrific fear of leaving my children some place, or forgetting them in the car, the house, or shopping center. It was even hard for me to keep up with my daughter in the front yard. I'd look up and she would have walked next door {not across the street} and would be playing. 

Life, in a nutshell, sucked. Seriously.

It has taken a little over 7 months to get my life back. A small piece of me is scared I will never be able to pick up the pieces that have shattered around me, but my doctor reassures me we will. Honestly, I'm just happy that today, right now, I feel connected again. If anyone reading this thinks they may be experiencing the same symptoms, please reach out to someone and get help. I have never felt anything so debilitating, it's simply still too hard to put it into words how this depression has effected my life. 

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Potty Training 101: What Do You Do?

A little over a month ago I wrote this post in regards to Maddie's potty time. It seems she was doing a fantastic job at school with it, yet was still having a hard time at home staying dry. So, I went out and picked up this really cute watch so that she'd know when to go potty {with an alarm}. The watch lasted a day. I still haven't seen it. I wouldn't be surprised if she flushed it. I mean, come on, if you just love something you're certainly not gonna lose it in a day, are ya? We'll maybe if you're three....
When it came to my girl, I think the number one step that made the most difference were the rewards. She was given a little piece of candy Every. Time. She. Peed. {or even sat on the potty}. And she must have a crazy sweet tooth because within a day {with scheduled hourly pee breaks and rewards} she was independently going to the bathroom. Within the first week we had one accident. Within the last month we've had enough accidents to count on one hand, and it was mainly when she was simply distracted.
Now, let's take a step back, along with the rewards, moving out of pull-ups and into panties was also a major step for success. It seems when Maddie was in pull-ups she just wasn't motivated to keep them dry, but with cotton undies on, it was a new game. And when I mean no pull-ups I mean not even at bedtime. One night, within our first week of potty training, Maddie fell asleep before we got a pull-up on and stayed dried all night. I gave it a go the next night and realized this was exactly what she wanted.
And speaking of what a kid wants, I think it's important to wait until a child is ready for potty training. I know Maddie was older than what most people feel comfortable with {she was an early 3} but by waiting, I think it saved us a great deal of frustration. She was able to tell me when she needed to go potty as well as pull up and down her own pants, and I think this really helped with the independence side of using the bathroom.
Also in regards to accidents, I kept it all in the bathroom. I no longer changed Maddie on the changing table but instead put her BM's into the potty, even out of her underwear. I never shamed her but reminded her that we put "pee-pee" and "brown" in the potty. We even sang songs about feeding Mr. Potty. It was always fun and games.
So, to recap:1. I waited til I felt Maddie was really capable of using the potty.2. I switched her out of pull-ups and straight into underwear.3. I found her motivation...sweets. 
And if you wonder how hard it is to break a kid from constant rewards, simply move from reinforcing a behavior every time to every other time and so forth. You are the adult and in control of the candy, if you say, "next time you get blah, blah, blah," then so be it, it's just what will be. Will your kid regress if it's a control issue? Yes, so encourage independence and pick your battles wisely!
What about You? What strategies did You use to succeed with the potty?
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How Does My Life Measure Up

A great prompt was given from my Summer Blog Challenge, in how does my life measure up to the vision I had when I was younger. Well, I never saw myself as a Mother of 4, I'll tell ya that. I had always imagined I'd go off to school and live a very independent life. I may or may not marry but would spend my time outdoors, hiking, bike riding, and climbing mountains. 
It's interesting, because I became a Mom at such a young age I didn't dream about how my life would turn out. I never envisioned a grand wedding or a fancy lifestyle. I simply focused on finishing high school with a baby on my hip, getting into college, finishing college, and starting a career. I guess overall I've done all those things and so life has pretty much turned out the way I had hoped. 
I seem to daydream more often now of a clean, clutter free home, bike rides, runs, reading books, enjoying wine and then I snap out of it and realize I don't need any of those things to have a great life, I'm living my great life with screaming kids and a cluttered home. I laugh and love. I sweat and run. Life will change over time and I'll find myself in different places and positions but overall I think I'm here more for the adventure than planning it all out. 
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Oh How Time Flies: An Update On Life

Time seems to be moving so fast lately. There are days that slip past and I wonder where it all went. I am still working through my post partum depression, most days are wonderful, but there are still days that it takes everything to simply move. I wonder when the symptoms will change.

 

In regards to my wonderful children, Austin will be 19 next month, Jeremy just turned 10, Maddie is using the potty like a big girl, and Jacob is 6 months old now.

 

Again, time seems to move so quickly. I want it to just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath.

 

August starts a new school year and I pray it brings growth, understanding, challenges, and great satisfaction.

 

My legs run but my body is still different than it once was. It seems every time you pop a little person out it takes a bit more to get back to where it was before. It is good to have my own body back, though, to feel independent and free. I'm still nursing Jacob but he eats a great deal of food during the day. Every time I look at him I see myself changing. It's hard to explain but when I look down and see him crawling I realize I'll never hold another newborn in my arms. He is my last baby and with every day that passes I get further and further away from being a Mom of a baby. It's bittersweet. :)

 

And so is life.....

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Time For Grand Adventures

Each day provides its own gifts.
Marcus Aurelius


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So Much To Do!

Maddie's birthday is this coming Saturday! My baby girl will be a year old. I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. :)

We've decided to cook out at our local downtown park, inviting friends and family to bring their favorite side dishes, with blankets laid out for picnic style munching. :) I've got a few toys for the older kids, some kites and games, and bubbles gallore.

So, this week is about getting everything in order to sit down and relax, celebrating Maddie's first year of life. :) Oh, and I can't wait to see what she does with some paint and canvas. We plan on having her paint a canvas each year on her birthday and then hanging them up around her room or the house. I'm so excited to see what she'll come up with. :)

On the work out note, everything is going well, I'm walking for 3 minutes and running for 5 for a good 45 minutes now. It hurts. I want to stop, but I always keep going. Today is day 40 and I've removed 10 pounds and several inches. I'm very happy with the program, but, well, it's a workout and it's hard. :) I've also discovered running on the treadmill is much easier than running on a sidewalk. The treadmill at least pulls you along while running outdoors, you truly must move your own body weight. I look forward to the day when this body weight is much easier to move. :)

Happy Thursday, Love!

Just Watching...

I'm sitting here, sifting through this and that, while Maddie and her Daddy play in the floor. It's a very quiet type of play. She had been napping when Daddy got home this evening and awoke right as he walked through the door. She hung out with me for a bit, nursing, and ever so often popping up to see what Daddy was up to, sitting across the room waiting on her attention. She would then kick her feet, make a clicking noise, which means she wants something, and then hurriedly jump back on the boob.

Life is grand when you know what to look for. I have so many blessings at the moment that to even try and name them all would surely entail me missing at least half a dozen of them. I am just so grateful for this very moment, sitting here while my family, minus two boys whom I'm always missing when they aren't around, just simply play.